There are times I deliberately isolate myself from the world because that is when I do most of my thinking. I get engulfed in thoughts, walking through fields of past experiences, while reminiscing and sometimes mourning the things I’ve done. My mistakes hound me. Many people may have great things to say about me and while the praise is not out-of-place, nobody understands me better than myself. And because of that, when I look into a mirror, what I sometimes see staring back at me is a soul filled with regret. At least that is what the silence tells me. The powerful voices erupting from the depths of solitude are truly astonishing. They confirm my beliefs that I could be better than I currently find myself, or maybe that is what the world around me wants me to think. Then again, love yours. Perhaps these thoughts are a result of passing out from the National Youth Service Corps. Transitional periods for me have always brought the voices of the silence. I believe that uncertainty puts the mind into a catatonic state of unrest, and nothing in this country invites uncertainty more than the unknowns of unemployment. In this scenario I think of others, not myself. Thousands of young adults are congratulated on making the transition into the Nigerian job market: a place where many get lost in depression and desperation. So the scores are welcomed into the period of long, indefinite, joblessness. And then the restlessness sets in after the first few weeks go by. Navigating through that roaring tempest is no simple task, especially for those who have nobody to look out for them. In the place that I served, over two hundred new people were recently employed—none of which were Corp members that were retained. Or at least, not any of which I am currently aware of. Dozens of the new employees were unable to write out their letters of acceptance; because spelling and punctuation are uncomfortable situations they loathe being forced into. So my friend, who is a Corp member uncertain of his own future, wrote the letters for them. As he narrated his frustrations to me over lunch, I submerged myself in a pool of uncontainable rage. This bleeding country; sometimes I wish the Atlantic would swallow it up. And after my wrath had taken its departure, the silence came. It met with the questioning of many of my past decisions at an emotional junction my mind. Maybe I should have chosen a different place of primary assignment. Maybe I should have cheated the system. Maybe I should have never returned to Nigeria. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Possibly, these thoughts come because I have recently been thinking over my college career. I am proud of the things I accomplished over my four years in Michigan. But I take up this bittersweet feeling when I remember the times of college, because there are possibly an equal number of things that I am ashamed of. There are classes I could have done better in. There are people I should have treated with more empathy. There are opportunities I could have prepared for with more diligence. With the last of the aforementioned in particular, there was this summer internship I applied for and got to the final stage of the interview process. The prospects of the internship were promising; I could have possibly worked for them after the internship was over, and they were in a good position to file for my work visa. In the final stage, I was to present a social media post proposal to the company intended for Facebook, Instagram and Twitter, but In my inattentiveness, I exceeded the limited characters twitter allows for each tweet. So the position went to the candidate rooted in meticulousness. And when I remember situations like these, you guessed it: silence. Or perchance, these thoughts come because it’s okay to go through periods of doubt and questioning. The different mentalities collide inside me and sometimes the battle of forces within may take longer than I would prefer. The questioning will certainly come, because it is sometimes as relentless as time. But that is the beauty of time in itself: It is both the catalyst and resolution to situations under the sun. Focusing on past mistakes transforms smooth streams into raging rapids. So I’d rather flow, not force. I’d rather swim, not drown. I’d rather live in faith, not fear. What I’ve done is who I was, but who I am is what I do now, because the past may slow me down but it will never stop my drive. Share this:Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)Like this:Like Loading… ABUJA MAN REVEALS (FREE) SECRET FRUITS THAT INCREASED MANHOOD AND LASTING POWER IN 7DAYS… CLICK HERE TO GET IT! Rev Up Your Libido…Enjoy Unforgettable, Pure, Long – lasting Fun!
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